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September 12, 2012

The New Normal

Yesterday marked one month since my Dad passed away. It seems hard to believe that it has already been a month. At the same time it seems hard to believe that it has only been a month. The new normal is one where time doesn’t feel the same as it did before. Some days go quickly…and some days drag on and on and on.


I remember right after my Dad passed away how I wished that time could somehow stop. Temporarily. Just. Stop. Let me catch my breath. Give me the space to make sense of it all.


The fact that life does go on, as if nothing has happened, is both a blessing and a huge source of confusion. It is so hard to believe that the world just keeps on spinning like it always has. Like nothing is different. Doesn’t the world know that something is now terribly different? That something really important is missing? That there is a huge, huge hole that I don’t think will ever be filled?


And yet, the world keeps spinning.


Every single day people all over the world die. And their loved ones experience what I am experiencing now. And that, too, is hard to believe when you’re in the midst of it all. That this new normal is in fact just plain normal.


The new normal is one filled with ups and downs. There are good days and bad days, or more accurately, at this point, bad moments in mostly good days. And then there are the moments when I remember that it is real. He really is gone and is never coming back. That life without him is the new normal.


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Sweetie, God bless you! I know what you are talking about - my mom passed away in February. Even though she was 92, and had spent the last six months of her life in a nursing home (where they were VERY kind and loving)... it's still an adjustment. Trust the Lord, he'll get you through it.


The sense that everyone should know something momentous has happened when a loved one passes is one reason I always say a quick prayer for folks whenever I pass a funeral procession or see people gathered at a cemetery. My way of acknowledging their pain and praying for their comfort. Like I am now doing for you.


Thank you so much Lyn and Mary. I appreciate your kind comments. ~ Aby

Karen S

Oh Aby, my heart aches reading your posts about your dad. We are coming up on the 22nd anniversary of my dad's death. I can only tell you that you are far ahead of the game -- it took me six months to realize that I would never hear his laugh, feel his encouraging hug or smell his cologne again. The pain never really goes away but the sharp edges dull over time. Peace to you and your family.


I haven't lost a parent but I have lost a few unborn children. It does seem like something huge should mark their passing b/c they are important. Prayers for comfort for you; heaven isn't too far away.


I haven't lost a parent but I have lost a few unborn children. It does seem like something huge should mark their passing b/c they are important. Prayers for comfort for you; heaven isn't too far away.


Thankfully, I still have my parents but remember well the feeling I had when I lost other loved ones--that feeling of amazement that the world is still going on, that people are still doing regular stuff, after such an event. I felt the same way when I had my daughter: it seemed like the hugest, most momentous event that I could hardly believe it had happened millions of times before--or even that several other women had had babies in rooms right near mine that same day. I don't know that the pain of loss ever goes away, but the rawness does. I'm glad things are getting a little better but know it will always be hard. My thoughts are with you.

Katie B

The one month point was the hardest so far for me. It was just so overwhelming.
"this new normal is in fact just plain normal," is so true and so well said.

That you have bad moments in mostly good days is wonderful and those bad moments we begin to be replaced with good memories on better days.

Hang in there.


Aby, I hear you and my heart goes out to you.


Be kind to yourself, sweetie. Losing a parent, especially a father, I think, is one of the biggest deals in your whole life. It's so fresh and brand new, just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with it.


Oh Aby I so love how you put your emotion in words! This is so how I felt 5 years ago when my Mom died. Sending you prayers! Thank you for your candor and sharing!


Oh Aby, my heart aches for you. My Dad is terminal and dying of cancer - I know what you are feeling is just a few months to six months away and I can't imagine it. Hugs and prayers!


It's been 20 yrs since my father passed away after being seriously ill for 4 years. When he finally slipped away, as difficult as it was, I remember thinking that at least he is no longer in pain and struggling for every breath. While it would be another 8 years until I had children of my own, at the time, seeing new babies and mothers-to-be reminded me of the cycle of life... that older people die, new babies are born and the world keeps spinning, and that is the way it is supposed to be. The saying, time heals all wounds is true, but sometimes it is hard to be patient, especially when it hurts so much. Oh, and we named our first child after my dad and it interesting to see how alike the two of them are.

You are in my thoughts.


When my mom died, I remember being so angry at the fact that the world just kept spinning. My world had just gone up in smoke... how could everything else just go on? While talking to a friend of the family who had also lost his mother several years earlier... I think we asked him "How long does it take to get over it?" His answer was..."You never get over it. You just get used to it." Your way of putting it expresses the exact same thought... "The new normal is in fact just plain normal."


Thank goodness someone understands how i feel my mom was found dead on 9/18 so next week will mark the 2 year anniversary...still confused by my emotions..
Aby a few years ago I was in a class and someone was dealing with her moms clutter and she said in another class she was working for you...what is her name?


Many thanks for your comments. I'm so grateful for each of you for sharing about your lost loved ones and sharing comforting thoughts for me. It helps to know I'm not alone in this.

Nancy, what you shared about your Dad "When he finally slipped away, as difficult as it was, I remember thinking that at least he is no longer in pain and struggling for every breath" is exactly how I felt when my Dad passed away. It was so comforting in the early days. I know he is in a better place and that does help so much.

Thank you all for your kindness.

~ Aby

P.S. April, I'll email you about your question. Thanks!


Thanks aby... I just remember her going through the emotional journey. Sadly I didn't get it at the I do.
Having injured myself 2.5 years ago needing 3 surgeries and what I now wish I could tell my mom I get it... I dont like this club we are now in.

I wish that more people are compassionate, my manager was not as he has not lost a parent, yet why do you have to lose a parent to be compassionate to those who have?

Life can be full of hard lessons

Dottie K

Aby thanks for sharing your thoughts. I've lost both parents and it takes time to heal but your so right about it being a new normal. Just remember that he is always in your heart. Hugs!!!!


You have been writing some absolutely beautiful, yet heart wrenching posts, Aby. I'm thinking of you & praying that the bad moments get fewer and the good days are in abundance.


Aby, I can relate. My mom died 2.5 years ago. Thanks for sharing your feelings on this blog, and allowing us an opportunity to send prayer or positive energy your way.

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